Friday, March 12, 2010

So tired...

I am not even sure if I am going to publish this post, I think I just need to write it all get it off my chest.
I was talking with a really great friend lately, telling her about some of the stuff I have been going through, etc and getting her feedback. I love her cause she will tell me the TRUTH! She won't bullshit with me, which I love about her. If she is mad at me, has a problem, or feels the need to call me out about something, she will! I need more of her in my life I have decided!!
The past year and a half has been crazy, and after talking to her, seems like most of it was all caused by things I did, and not necessarily on purpose, but regardless.
I had a really crappy time in middle school and high school. I know it was mostly because I was super shy and quiet which translated to snobby and unwilling to talk to people. I had a great group of people in my cosmetology class that I bonded with in 11th & 12th grade that really helped. But even then, some of them I never really fit in with. I am not saying this in a pity post, just telling some past.
So after I had Ethan I met a few girls on a board and became friends with them. Then the group split, I was in the middle, Swiss you could say. I hated that and felt I needed to "play both sides", so I would say one thing to one group, yet a completely different thing to the other group, trying to make everyone happy and fit in with everyone.
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to fit in, no matter what, and it never worked. Yet here I was, with a bunch of friends, saying and doing whatever I needed to to fit in. Was I lying? At that time, I honestly didn't think it was lying, I was just "bending the truth" right? Yeah, not so much. As my friend so nicely put it, lying is lying, no matter your intention behind it. Wow, she is right.
As time went on, things really changed and I felt like I needed to do more to fit it, I didn't want to lose my friends, and I was going to do whatever I needed to to fit in. There started the problem. I lost a lot of friends, and it was all my fault. I know there is nothing I can do about it, I was the one who messed it up, and now I have to deal with that. The only thing I can do is say I am sorry and that I am trying to just be ME now, which I know some people may not like, but man will it be a lot easier on me. Do I email everyone I know I hurt, angered, pissed off and tell them I am sorry? Heck at this point I have lost count. I'm sure there are people that aren't too thrilled with me, but will they actually tell me? I hope so, I really do hate who I *was*.
I have been doing an awesome bible study the last few weeks and it is really opening up my eyes. I know that I need to be happy with myself and the life I have right now and I really am working on that. My poor husband has had to deal with me being constantly worried about what other people are thinking about me, if people are looking, etc. I was at a point where I could only have fun and be myself around people if I had a few drinks to loosen up. That provided it's own set of problems, who knows what I would say when I was drinking?
Now I am rambling. The whole point of this post is that I have been a really crappy friend and person to be around the last few years and for that I am truly sorry. If I hurt you, I am sorry. If I lied to you, I am sorry. If I was fake around you, I am sorry. I am sorry for everything I have done. I know these are just words, but they are truly coming from my heart.
I hope this post doesn't upset anyone with me, but I feel like I needed to post this.
My goal this year is learn to be me, and believe me, that is truly a learning process for me. I have a long way to go...


Amy said...

It's a lot to think about. I have definitely been there. The last year or so has really shown me that I like who I am an if the people around me don't, then I don't need to be around them. It's such a feeling of freedom!

Susan said...

I don't think there is a woman alive that doesn't look back and weep for their younger self. I love a quote by Oprah, "when you know better you do better." That is really all anyone can ask.

Safe travels on your journey. There will always be other women along the way to cheer you on or pull you back from the ledge. Cherish those friends and gently let go of the others that are a dis-service to your mission.

"S" said...

Jess, I read this for the first time a few days ago and I keep thinking about it. I think what you wrote was very cool. :) I formed opinions of you of the "board" and now see you in another light. We should meet sometime and hang out. I too have had my share of issues! I'm in Little Elm right down the road from Denton. Sarah (