Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Need to liven up Thanksgiving dinner?

Here are some tips!
Warning, they made me laugh so hard that I now have mascara running down my cheeks!

  1. Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition, and proceed to take off your clothes at the dinner table.

  2. Open the oven, shove hunks of Velveeta cheese and Spam into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom/grandma/your wife that it adds the coolest flavor.

  3. Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise.

  4. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.

  5. Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.

  6. After soaking a napkin in some turkey gravy, simulate blowing your nose, letting the gravy drip onto your food. Start eating ravenously.

  7. Hold your nose while you eat. Make soft gagging noises after every second or third forkful.

  8. Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Emphasize the negative health and sanitation aspects of the story.

  9. Mid-meal turn to mom/grandma/your wife and say, "See, I told you they wouldn't notice. You were worried for nothing."

  10. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that you've got a new fear of choking.

  11. When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free go.

  12. Come to the table dressed in a toga.

  13. Midway though the meal, excuse your self from the table. Go into the next room and make loud gagging, vomiting sounds. Return to the table and ask for another plateful of food.

  14. Observe aloud how much the stuffing and gravy resemble the contents of Uncle Ed’s colostomy bag.

  15. When giving the “Thanksgiving blessing”, be sure to express how thankful you are that you only have to eat at the same table with your in-laws once or twice every year.

  16. Turn the topic of conversation toward recognition of the early symptoms of food poisoning. Demonstrate these symptoms, just for safety’s sake.

  17. Insist on having paper bags wrapped around the wine bottles at the table.

  18. Bring the turkey from the kitchen to the table dressed only in a jock strap.

  19. Before everyone begins eating, announce loudly that both turkey legs are yours. Place a loaded revolver on the table in front of your plate to show that you're serious.

  20. Call the local Salvation Army mission to ask if the residents are enjoying the rice noodles, spam, sauerkraut and fruitcake that you donated for their dinner.

  21. Start a food fight at the table.

  22. Present your guests with an itemized bill for the food, making sure to add a 15 percent gratuity.

  23. Engage your brother-in-law in a belching contest before dessert. Ask someone else at the table to judge volume, tone, duration and “viscosity.”

  24. Drink copious quantities of wine, washing each spoonful of food down with at least half a glass. At the same time, sip out of your water glass sparingly, ensuring that it’s never more than half full.

  25. Call the local Salvation Army mission and tell them that you’ve prepared a massive feast that you and your family can’t possibly eat by yourselves. Tell them you can feed at least twenty-five hungry and homeless people if the Salvation Army can bring them to you. Give them directions to your obnoxious next-door neighbor’s house.


Alissa said...

Funny! Saw your comment on my post on the nest about my Black Friday Target shopping. I've done the shopping ahead of time and received a price adjustment for the last several years. It's a lot easier and you run a little risk of them not doing it but I'd rather run the risk than be there at 5 am!

David said...

Very funny...